I have always found hypervigilance to be one of the more frustrating aspects of having PTSD. It means being over-active in observing everyone and everything around you in an attempt to keep yourself safe. Hypervigilance uses a lot of energy and can leave you feeling chronically exhausted and overwhelmed. For me, it meant each time I entered a room I unconsciously evaluated each person there as to the amount of risk I felt they posed to my safety. I monitored everyone, tracking them as they moved throughout the room. I felt moderately safe only if I sat with my back to the wall so no one could approach me without my knowledge. I hated going out anywhere as it took so much energy to keep track of everything.
It has taken me many years to “reset” my observation button! I believe going to college forced me to come to terms with the fact that I could never really keep myself totally safe by monitoring everyone. It was just not possible. I am happy to say that over the years, it has become easier for me to enter a room and not feel like I have to control it. I am much more comfortable now enjoying the other people there without feeling like they are a threat. I can go out and have a good time where others are present, and although I will probably never like being in a large crowd, I am comfortable enough to enjoy going to the movies on occasion or to a popular restaurant.
PTSD may have caused me to make some changes in my life, but I no longer feel I am a slave to the disorder. I can do things I never dreamed I would be able to do when I was younger, and I can find contentment even in the presence of others.